The Last Goodbye

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Self Inflicted Torture

I really don't know why I am doing this.

I wonder why, when it comes to you, I am willing to torture myself. I could've moved on a looong time ago, but i chose not to. I chose to torture myself, research more about you, stalk you, and add another problem that is not you but is directly linked to you.

I really do not understand myself.

Why am i like this?

Is it the unfinished business that i still have with you? But this is just mine. You, yes you, don't/didn't have any issue regarding this. I am the sole reason for this self-inflicted pain and trauma.

I don't understand. This can't be love, maybe lust, but this is too much for a lust!

Hindi pa ako mature. Oh well, at least, deep inside, i still have this sophomore kid within me. That one who knows how it is to feel happy and excited and kilig.

I want to get over this!!!

Perhaps not over you. (You shut up Id!)

P.S.

The next lines you'll see feature the first ever poem i wrote. I never felt baduy even after reading it now.

I want to see your face

in the brightest of the days

and in the darkest of the night

I want to feel your lips and

your breath that i want to inhale

for this is a scent i can no longer breathe

i want to see your eyes

and the look you give to me

i want to feel your body

moving next to me

i want to hear your voice as you speak

i want to cherish your laughter

as we share the happy memories

i want to paste your face here on my wall

so as to feel your presence all day long

i want to be with you all the time

i want to lock you here in the arms of mine

i want to feel your heart beat, your

heat as we stare each other

i want to kiss you for the longest time possible

i want to let you feel how

love should be cherished

i want to let you experience

how a prized possesion should feel

i want to give you all

the things that will make you grim

too bad i can't do it all,

because we both know, and i should know,

that i can't be with you forever.

A. Ricafort

November 2006

AND IM STILL NOT OVER YOU!

Kay Tagal Mo Nang Nawala, Babalik ka rin...

Yeah boy. Gary V ang title. Pang OFW.

Bagay na bagay sayo.

Haha.

Babalik ka na ulit. Exciting.

Actually, excited ako. I don't know what awaits us, what awaits me. Pero excited ako.

Bahala na.

Basta babalik ka na.

Makikita na ulit kita.

Kung ano mang repercussions nito, bahala na. Basta ang alam ko, excited at masaya ako sa pagbabalik mo. At sa pagkikita nating muli.

_____

Nagi-guilty naman ako.

Totoo bang nagi-guilty ako? O tanga lang ako? O malandi?

Hindi ko alam God. I am really sorry. Parang dito ako masaya. Dito tumitibok ng mabilis ang puso ko.

L lang ba ito?

Hindi ko alam. I can not say for sure.

Basta gusto ko sana syang makita ulit. Mapasaya ko man lang ang sarili ko. Mapag laruan ko man lang ang damdamin ko. Mabuhay ko man lang ang EMO sa sistema ko.

_____

Hiniling ko saYo, God, na gabayan mo relationship namin - ilayo mo ako sa tukso, wag mong hayaang may magawa akong kasalanan, etc. Pero ito, parang gusto ko muling maranasan. Dito ako mukhang masaya eh. Dito ko nararansan yung excitement. Yung kaba, yung saya - yung masayang tibok ng puso. Sana pagbigyan mo ulit ako. Mukhang malulungkot naman ako ng sobra kung hindi ko mararanasan ito.

Alam ko naman na nasa tama syang pag-iisip. Ramdam ko. Walang mangyayari sa amin - today, tomorrow, wala kaming future. Basta masaya ako sa kanya - i hope masaya rin sya sa akin.

Namiss ko sya. Gusto ko lang God maranasan ulit yung ganitong klaseng saya - yung saya na nabibigay nya, yung kilig, yung kaba, basta lahat ng masaya.

_____

Darating ang panahon na babasahin ko ulit ito, at baka malungkot ako. Pwede akong maging masaya, pero mas malamang na malungkot ako. Kung ano man maramdaman ko, Im sure, it will contribute a lot to my personal well-being. So please let me experience this.

On Sins and Heartaches

You always have the same effect on me.

I dont know which person am I referring to, but it's all coming back to me now. The sadness, helplessness, and longingness for that person to stay.

You always manage to make me smile, the same way you make me forget about all the good things in my life. You make me feel complete, but when you're gone, you make me feel miserable.

I survived this feeling about 3 years ago. Back then i never thought it would end up like this again. You are a different person now. Literally a different person now - with that same effect on me.

I dont know what to think of or what is the right thing to feel. I want to stop, but my brat sense won't listen.

I am becoming overly unfair. Unfair to myself, unfair to my partner, unfair to you.

Just last day, i committed 3 of the deadliest sin i could ever think of: 1. cheat, 2. think of someone else when you're already with someone, and 3. destroy one's self.

Please stop.

Or should i ask God to lead me to the way? Of course i should not hurry. But can someone teach me how to focus my mind on something else?

God, i am truly sorry. After all the things You've done and given to me and my family, here i am, committing the greatest sin of my life over and over again. I am afraid of karma, and i fear You. Can You help me surpass this? It's dreading to be in this situation.

Finally, hey, I will miss you. Yeah sure, you told me you're sad because you're leaving soon. But please dont give me false hope. Or at least help me move on and forget you. After all, i barely know you.

I WILL MISS YOU.