Kay Tagal Mo Nang Nawala, Babalik ka rin...

Yeah boy. Gary V ang title. Pang OFW.

Bagay na bagay sayo.

Haha.

Babalik ka na ulit. Exciting.

Actually, excited ako. I don't know what awaits us, what awaits me. Pero excited ako.

Bahala na.

Basta babalik ka na.

Makikita na ulit kita.

Kung ano mang repercussions nito, bahala na. Basta ang alam ko, excited at masaya ako sa pagbabalik mo. At sa pagkikita nating muli.

_____

Nagi-guilty naman ako.

Totoo bang nagi-guilty ako? O tanga lang ako? O malandi?

Hindi ko alam God. I am really sorry. Parang dito ako masaya. Dito tumitibok ng mabilis ang puso ko.

L lang ba ito?

Hindi ko alam. I can not say for sure.

Basta gusto ko sana syang makita ulit. Mapasaya ko man lang ang sarili ko. Mapag laruan ko man lang ang damdamin ko. Mabuhay ko man lang ang EMO sa sistema ko.

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Hiniling ko saYo, God, na gabayan mo relationship namin - ilayo mo ako sa tukso, wag mong hayaang may magawa akong kasalanan, etc. Pero ito, parang gusto ko muling maranasan. Dito ako mukhang masaya eh. Dito ko nararansan yung excitement. Yung kaba, yung saya - yung masayang tibok ng puso. Sana pagbigyan mo ulit ako. Mukhang malulungkot naman ako ng sobra kung hindi ko mararanasan ito.

Alam ko naman na nasa tama syang pag-iisip. Ramdam ko. Walang mangyayari sa amin - today, tomorrow, wala kaming future. Basta masaya ako sa kanya - i hope masaya rin sya sa akin.

Namiss ko sya. Gusto ko lang God maranasan ulit yung ganitong klaseng saya - yung saya na nabibigay nya, yung kilig, yung kaba, basta lahat ng masaya.

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Darating ang panahon na babasahin ko ulit ito, at baka malungkot ako. Pwede akong maging masaya, pero mas malamang na malungkot ako. Kung ano man maramdaman ko, Im sure, it will contribute a lot to my personal well-being. So please let me experience this.

On Sins and Heartaches

You always have the same effect on me.

I dont know which person am I referring to, but it's all coming back to me now. The sadness, helplessness, and longingness for that person to stay.

You always manage to make me smile, the same way you make me forget about all the good things in my life. You make me feel complete, but when you're gone, you make me feel miserable.

I survived this feeling about 3 years ago. Back then i never thought it would end up like this again. You are a different person now. Literally a different person now - with that same effect on me.

I dont know what to think of or what is the right thing to feel. I want to stop, but my brat sense won't listen.

I am becoming overly unfair. Unfair to myself, unfair to my partner, unfair to you.

Just last day, i committed 3 of the deadliest sin i could ever think of: 1. cheat, 2. think of someone else when you're already with someone, and 3. destroy one's self.

Please stop.

Or should i ask God to lead me to the way? Of course i should not hurry. But can someone teach me how to focus my mind on something else?

God, i am truly sorry. After all the things You've done and given to me and my family, here i am, committing the greatest sin of my life over and over again. I am afraid of karma, and i fear You. Can You help me surpass this? It's dreading to be in this situation.

Finally, hey, I will miss you. Yeah sure, you told me you're sad because you're leaving soon. But please dont give me false hope. Or at least help me move on and forget you. After all, i barely know you.

I WILL MISS YOU.