Am i a freeloader?

Believe it or not, what affects me greatly most of the time is the thought that someone else is thinking that I am doing nothing. At the very least, some of these moments were either a product of my imaginative mind, or were brought about by my tendency to blame myself.

Recalling my experiences during the past, one instance that was almost carved in my mind was during the time when I was our High School Student Body Organization’s President. Back then, I have always thought that I am doing nothing - that I am just following someone else’s command. And that never stopped until I finally finished my term back in 2005. I’ve always felt that I am not a good leader. Despite other people’s perception of me as a high energy, very confident, and highly assertive person that I am, deep inside I am nothing. And those instances were aggravated by other people’s comments specifically targeted to put me down. I don’t know if they’re just telling the truth or they’re just too critical, but the fact that someone is noticing my actions leaves me the thought that indeed, I am not good in terms of working with people. I am indolent.

Now that I am in college, I never lost that kind of attitude. I have always been paranoid of what other people’s minds say with regard to the quality of my work. In group projects, I always feel that I slack most of the time - that I am doing nothing. Then again, I must admit that I am not in the mood for work. I feel that if only I were in a disposition of working really hard, and do my best, I might be able to perform better. Could that qualify as a good justification?

Chairperson of UP Aniban ng mga Kabitenyo, Externals Executive Vice President of UP Association of Business Administration Majors.

These are just some of the immense responsibilities that I endured for this academic year. And as you may have noticed, I am experiencing that same paranoia back in my high school days.

Orgpres is near…
Spanish midterms on Thursday…
Feasibility Study requirements are piling like a stack of cigarettes in my room...
Tourbo Competition’s deadline is next week…
Midterms, papers, group meetings, other exams and academic requirements…

These should be taking most of my time by now. But I’d rather spend it watching movies, blogging, reading some sites, chatting, tunganga-ing, and other activities that do not require much thinking and effort.

I don’t know what my problem is. Do I lack time? Or am I just a terrible time manager? Do I really have a problem in the first place? I have just finished writing my 6-page interview with a CEO for Business Policy, shouldn’t I feel fulfilled? Am I just destructing myself? Or was it an overstatement?

You tell me. Am I a freeloader?

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Nakakapikon. Masama ba epekto sa akin ng maghapon lang na natutulog?

Ano bang problema ko? Ano bang problema mo? Putangina mo.

Nakakaasar. Nakaka ubos ng pasensya. Nakakagalit. Galit na galit ako. Hindi ko siya maintindihan. Baliw ba siya? Siguro nga. Eh bakit ako nagtitiis dito? Hindi ko rin alam. Iyak na lang ako. Tangina.