Antz

Early this afternoon, i contemplated on something not worthy of my time - what other creature i can put my shoes on.

I haven't seen the movie Antz (another one on my animated movie list), and i wonder what kind of life they have.

Gusto kong maging Ant (Langgam/Hantik/Guyam). Ang simple ng buhay nila. Kagaya ng ibang species, food lang ang number 1 problem nila. Oh, may defense pa pala. Parang yung dalawa lang ang dahilan ng existence nila. Survival of the fittest. And ang ant, palagi pang may kasama sa food-gathering sessions nila. Naa-address nito yung need for food and need to defend themselves.

But where's the sense of this post? Hindi ko rin alam. Gusto kong mag-let go ng sama ng loob sa mundo pero i got stuck in my train of thoughts. See, i am so affected. Parang hindi gumagana utak ko.

Ang daming kong problema. Pero nagi-guilty ako kasi kumpara sa ibang Pilipino, napaka-cheap lang ng problema ko.

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Accounts payable/utang/obligation/dues. Kahit pa anong itawag dyan, marami ako nyan. Ang nakakainis kasi, hindi ko alam kung pano tatapusin ito or paano iiwasan ito.

A thought heard from some a.m. radio station, hindi tayo dapat mangutang, dapat sama sama tayong magtiis

This was, i think, told by a mother to her sons/daughters about getting loans. Nice thought. Pero hindi naman ako nangutang. Nope, i'm not saying na hindi ako nangungutang. Of course i do, yung iba nga hindi ko pa bayad. Pero this A/P eh hindi ko inutang. It just came out from somewhere. Responsibilities sa org. Dami ko kasing position sa org - 1 acad, 1 prov. And at this point, parang sinisira nito ang pag-iisip ko. Ang dami kong A/P sa kanila.

Hindi ko talaga maalis yung isip ko sa A/P ko sa YP*. Ang dami ko na nga due from other requirement especially sa graduation, umeextra pa itong mga org ko. Grabe, lubog ako sa acad org ko. At hindi ako nangutang take note.

Kanina nga, naisip ko lang bigla, sa jeep, i want to quit. It's not helping me anymore. I need to give up on something. Ayoko namang mainis lang sa akin ang maraming tao dahil hindi ko ma-fulfill yung dues ko. They will never seem to understand. They will never know what i have right now. They just don't care. For them, it's professionalism. For me, it's just plain poverty.

I know, inako ko yung responsibilities. Pero hindi ko na-predict na darating sa ganitong point.

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I am pressured by something that i can't seem to avoid or resist. It's that one thing that causes too much worries. I'm not sure why but i don't know why i just can't control. It's not manipulation but i kinda feel a little of that something.

Magulo. Parang wala akong direction. Caught off guard in the world, and by the world, i am right now. Namimiss ko kabataan ko. Before, iiyak lang ako, andyan na sila to the rescue! Parang mga superheroes. Ngayon kaya may superman, spiderman, o powerpuff girls na magse-save sakin? Ang tagal nyo.

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Sadness and insanity seem to love me so much. They don't want to leave me for a long time.

Mama, Ate Vicky,

Namimiss ko kayo terribly. Namimiss ko yung mga times na alam kong you're there for me. Ngayon kasi, parang, parang lang naman, hindi nyo ako matulungan. Parang pare-pareho tayong walang magawa. Gusto ko ng shelter. Hindi yung pang DSWD shelter for the street children ah? Gusto ko ng motherly image na binibigay nyo. Minsan parang gusto kong umuwi na lang dyan at isumbong sa inyo ang lahat nang nagpapahirap sa akin. Pero, wala eh. Matanda na ako.


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Life sucks. Do ants also say this kaya? Wow conio.

Lucky them, they don't seem to have so much angst about this world. They just have to collect their supply for the rainy season, and exert the best effort to avoid terminators, slippers, and all life-threatening factors, and presto!

I envy them. I envy all creatures who seem to enjoy the world even with its flaws. I also envy my previous self, that someone who sees the world positively - never loses hope, drinks at every problem, and smokes away all challenges.

Kanina pala sa jeep, nagbigay ako ng 10-peso coin dun sa pulubi. Naawa lang ako. Gusto ko naman syang matulungan kahit papano. Pero emo mode lang siguro ako kanina kaya ginawa ko yun. Sorry sa mga darating na pulubi!

I need to seek some psychological counsel, spiritual guidance perhaps. Naiinggit na kasi ako sa langgam eh, iba na 'to.

*(I won't tell what this is)